


Cigarettes and Coffee

by unkissed



Series: Drabble Challenge [2]
Category: Harry Potter - J. K. Rowling
Genre: Crack, Dark Comedy, M/M, Metafiction, Satire, Self-Insert
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2015-03-27
Updated: 2015-03-27
Packaged: 2018-03-19 22:59:10
Rating: Mature
Warnings: Graphic Depictions Of Violence, Major Character Death
Chapters: 1
Words: 646
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/3627489
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/unkissed/pseuds/unkissed
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>Ever feel like you want to shoot your own characters in the head?</p>
            </blockquote>





	Cigarettes and Coffee

**Author's Note:**

> Drabble Challenge: Under 500 words, dark-fic or crack-fic or dark crack-fic, any fandom. Prompts: guns, handcuffs, snitch, irresistible, poison. 
> 
> Shout-out to those of you who were once pirates aboard the SS Guns-n-Handcuffs on the old Fiction Alley forums.
> 
> For HMS Cigarettes & Coffee, the most resplendent ship in my armada.

The life-threatening end of a gun rested gently above the bridge of Harry’s nose.  Well, it rested as gently as a hefty 5mm Glock could on somebody’s face.  Harry went cross-eyed behind his round spectacles, staring down the barrel.

 

The non-life-threatening end of the gun sat firmly in my two hands – two hands, because it’s the way I’d seen responsible people hold guns on TV or films – two hands, because I know Agent Dana Scully would never wave around her standard FBI issue all willy-nilly with just one hand.

 

“Do it, Potter,” I commanded with the practiced authority of a stay-at-home-parent, “Or I’ll send you to the other side of the veil, so to speak, to meet your godfather.”  I grinned smugly, amused at my own reference to _Harry Potter and the Order of the Phoenix_.

 

“You’re mad!” Harry scoffed, shirking off the very real threat of messy death like it was homework, as he was prone to do. “You’re not _seriously_ going to shoot us if I don’t kiss Malfoy,” he said doubtfully.

 

Draco whimpered something unintelligible.  The handcuffs, which bound his wrists behind his back, rattled the metal pole to which he was tethered as his body shook. I hadn’t yet threatened to blow the brains out of his pretty blond head, and he was already pissing himself out of fear.

 

“Come on, boys, _kiss_ ,” I urged them, temporarily removing one hand from the gun to push their heads together, pressing the side of the gun to Harry’s head.  My efforts were met with as much resistance as the French monarchy.

 

“You can’t tell me you don’t find each other absolutely irresistible,” I said with disbelief, “I mean, you’ve been having some serious UST since book one!  Harry, you _slashed_ Draco in a bathroom in book six! Draco, you held on to Harry so tightly it _hurt_ when you rode his broom in book seven!”

 

“I’m straight, you crazy person! I have a thing for Asian girls and gingers!” Harry insisted.  “But even if I was gay, or whatever, I’d _never_ kiss _Malfoy!_ ”  The way Harry said _Malfoy_ , with his nose scrunched up and his lips pursed, it seemed like the word was poison on his tongue.

 

“Very well,” I sighed with disappointment.

 

I soon found that a well-aimed bullet to Harry’s scarred forehead only mildly comforted my disappointment about sinking ships that never really got to sail.  Draco didn’t even partake in the pleasure of seeing the contents of Potter’s thick head splattered across the wall. 

 

The door creaked open and I spun around with the gun, striking a perfect _Charlie’s Angels_ pose with the deadly end of the weapon pointed at the ceiling, hair bouncing over my shoulders. Before I could protest the interruption of my very important meeting with my muses, Draco spat venomously.

 

“You bloody snitch!  You told them I was gay!” he accused.

 

Theodore Nott strut towards us with the solitary, aristocratic air of a clever weed – like a black dandelion.  He completely ignored what Draco had said and stood over Harry’s bloody remains, smirking with delight.  “We can all call you Saint Potter now. You really are hole-y.”

 

“Good one,” I snorted a pleased laugh.

 

Theodore lit a cigarette with his wand.  “Now that you’ve given up all that dreary Drarry, can I interest you in a _proper_ ship? One that’s actually plausible?   One that’s hot as fuck?”

 

I shrugged, challenging him with my nonchalance. He took the bait and sank to his knees before Draco.  A wide grin spread across Malfoy’s lips as Theodore smoked his firm wand with practiced ease, the cigarette between his fingers momentarily forgotten.

 

I watched with fiendish glee and holstered my weapon several times in quick succession until everyone in attendance was thoroughly satisfied.

 

“What do you call this ship?” I asked breathlessly.

 

In unison, Draco and Theodore answered, “Cigarettes and Coffee.”

 

 


End file.
